It’s no secret, RA apps are competitive, but have I got an ace up my sleeve: that one time I totally blacked the fuck out and managed to hit up every single frat on the row.

Everyone knows the RA selection process is an exact replica of the team selection process for schoolyard kickball: the popular kids are chosen first, and the nerds are chosen last. So I know that that one time I smashed more beers than the freakin’ Hulk and rolled hard to every house on fraternity row is guaranteed to secure me a spot in the sickest freshman dorm on campus.

Besides, we all know that RFs only want one thing: the coolest RAs. My experience ripping bongs and pounding shots from that one time last quarter when I got so wasted I was convinced I had eaten a Subaru and meandered up and down Mayfield Drive, dropping in on basically every single house, regardless if there was a party there, will without a doubt move my RA application to the top of the pile. I bet the RFs won’t have seen anything like it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: aren’t RAs supposed to be able to help freshmen if they’ve had too much to drink? Ya doy! You really think I – someone who drank more wine in one night than Dionysus (the literal GOD of wine) did in his entire immortal life, and then jumped around from house to house, playing beerpong and RAGECAGE at every single living establishment on what I call the “Stanford beer mile” –  don’t know how to handle my liquor? Newsflash: I do. And I can teach these idiot freshmen how to do it too.

Anyway, I’m signing off now because the application is due in a couple minutes. All I can hope is that the RFs are looking for someone who literally, and I’m not even making this up, swallowed an entire 4 Loco can whole, stole a golf cart and Fast and Furious’d his way through every single Animal-House-style-rager on that one street where all the Greek organizations are housed, because that’s me, so look out class of 2022!

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