Following another disappointing student turnout at a home football game, Stanford Athletics revealed its latest promotion. In its new ‘paid-for-view’ program, every student in attendance at home sporting events will be paid a handsome $16 an hour.

Citing “a huge sum of money from boosters who wanted to see students finally rewarded for their efforts,” Stanford Athletic Director Brandon Woods told a group of reporters that a change needed to be made.

“Honestly, it’s unjust for these students who spend hours and hours tiring away at sporting events to receive no pay,” Woods said. “Being a student and a spectator at this school is nearly impossible, and standing in the student section is demanding work. It’d be unethical for us to not pay them.”

Students across campus have expressed appreciation that their efforts are finally being recognized.

“In the past, Stanford had told me that my education was the true reward for my dedicated efforts as a fan, but I knew that was total bullshit,” said freshman Zack Daniels, who can be seen on game days shirtless in the front row of the Red Zone with his constantly-dwindling group of friends from Larkin.

The Athletics department will unveil the promotion for the Cardinal’s next home game this coming Friday. Fixed-sum performance bonuses will be awarded to students who time the jump correctly during “All Right Now,” as well as for those that show an earnest effort on the Drum Cam.

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