Charles Kawalsky ’17 has finally determined that the ‘thing’ from the Roble kitchenette fridge is in fact half of an Ike’s sandwich left over from NSO.
Ever since the aging sandwich was discovered behind some expired orange juice three months ago, Kawalsky and his roommates have repeatedly attempted to classify the object. However, despite frequent queries from the residents such as, “WTF is that shit?” the object’s origins had until now remained a point of contention.
“At first we thought it was a piece of birthday cake from Mike down the hall, but then we remembered that we made Jerry eat it on a dare back in October,” Kawalsky said in a statement. “It wasn’t until we recognized some pieces of tomato that we began to understand that this was a sandwich.”
“I actually wrote my thesis about some of the mold-spores, previously unknown to science, that I found on the thing,” said Billy Gardener ’14, a biology major living in the dorm.
Now that the mystery surrounding the thing—identified upon further inspection as a Vegan Tom Brady—has been resolved, the question stands as to who will throw away the rapidly decaying sandwich.
“There is no way I am touching that thing,” said Roble resident Timmy Spudling, puking into a nearby garbage can. “It smells like the pure concentrated essence of a bear carcass…a bear that died of halitosis.”
“That thing smells like the physical manifestation of all the hate in the world,” commented Kawalsky, who asserts that he should not have to throw out the object, since he was the one who figured out what the hell it was.