David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted.
The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence
Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so when he paused in the middle of a fascinating segment on wildebeest mating patterns to explain how the data on overpopulation backs up the need for me to kill all the birds I own, I heard him out. But ultimately, all the numbers in the world wouldn’t be enough to make me kill my precious pets.
The Time He Brought My Cousin Into It
My little cousin Todd is always showing me up in front of the family, so when the narrator of Planet Earth said I could become Nana’s new favorite if I murdered those pesky birds in her name, it hit close to home. But the cons outweighed the pros — after all, Todd would probably just steal credit and say the whole thing was his idea anyways.
The Time with the Nonverbal Cues
After the credits had rolled for Episode 4: “Narwhals of the North,” David came back on screen and stared directly at me for 30 seconds without breaking eye contact. Then, he gestured towards my lovely avian flock, drew a finger knife-like across his throat, and shrugged nonchalantly before the TV cut to black. It was a sweet gesture, but ultimately an unconvincing one.
The Time He Just Came Right Out and Said It
“I need you to kill your birds,” Sir David Frederick Attenborough, acclaimed naturalist and documentarian, urged me. “I’ll admit it — I want to watch as the lights go out of every last one of their beady little eyes.” I appreciated his honesty, but I needed the birds for a Vine I was making later and had to decline.
The Time He Begged
This one actually worked. RIP, my beautiful birds.