Are you a small-to-midsize ointment supplier looking to take your business in an exciting new direction? Do you sell lotions, online or door-to-door, but want to develop a more cohesive brand identity? Have you always dreamt of creating an icon as recognizable as Tony the Tiger or the Geico Gecko?

Well then listen up, buckaroo, because I have one hell of an opportunity for you. His name is Mister Blister, a quivering mass of pustular flesh that’s ready and willing to be your new corporate mascot… for the right price, that is.

When I first developed the Mister Blister character, I knew I was onto something good. His amorphous body—covered as it is in all manner of pimples, warts, and boils—is not just a horrifying testament to the importance of skin care, but also an easy way for potential customers to empathize with what would otherwise be a faceless corporation. When I first tested Mister Blister with kids and saw how much they loved hugging him and squeezing his oozing protuberances between their childish palms, I knew we had a hit on our hands.

Unfortunately, the sale with Bath & Body Works fell through at the last minute, and Burt’s Bees maintains to this day that the Mister Blister character infringes on their intellectual property, so they refused to shell out the big bucks for him. Which leads me now to you, advertising this lost creation of mine and desperately seeking a new home for him and his many festering abscesses.

Please, I beg you, buy Mister Blister and have him represent the public face of your creams and gels. He currently lives in my guest room, but my wife says he has to move out since the smell is getting… harsh. The price is negotiable, and I’d be more than happy to help him slither into your corporate offices.

Act now, while supplies last. Please, for the love of God, act now.

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