NEW HAVEN, CT – In a worrying study released last week by researchers at Yale, it has been revealed that watching cartoons can have long-lasting effects on those suffering from the early stages of meth addiction. The report indicated that viewing just 30 minutes of ‘Dora the Explorer’ or ‘Bubble Guppies’ had a strong correlation with tooth decay, paranoia, and violent behavior amongst the test group, which was entirely composed of people suffering from a crippling meth dependency.
Head researcher Seth Marner stated, “Obviously, the data is disconcerting. Clearly, we must think about what this study means for our children. How can we allow them to watch cartoons when we have seen the damage that it causes?” Fellow lab technician William Yu noted that, “This was a clear case of cause and effect. Before the experiment, the control group was high-functioning meth-heads. Afterwards, they were shambling husks, slurring their words and lacking in advanced motor skills. It could only have been the cartoons.”
The study will surely have wide-ranging consequences, especially as Congress debates whether to include a warning before broadcasts of animated cartoons. The proposed warning would advise viewers to turn off the TV and switch to another program is suffering from meth addiction. Test subject John Lawson stated in response, “That’ll be a mighty fine help to us, yes sir. It seems like every time I watch Animaniacs after a meth binge, I’m in a whole mess of trouble. That ain’t right.”
