As sunlight bathes a calm campus and young caterpillars rappel from awakening trees, freshman Kevin Morris reflects upon two prior quarters of failure. Morris, though having now been at Stanford for an entire seven months as he enters into spring quarter, has somehow still not had sex with a single professor. 

Morris never imagined that this would be his Stanford experience. He was able to dodge his grandparents’ probing questions over Thanksgiving and Christmas Break, asking if he had found “that special 50+ year old academic someone” or “been to office after hours.” But now that spring quarter has rolled around, Morris’ excuses have dried up just as much as his pathetic sexual confidence.

The social pariah sits alone at lunch, listening —  at a distance —  to the boasting success stories of campus Casanovas who have slept with upwards of eight beacons of education or perhaps even a nobel prize winner. And of course, for Morris, IFC rush is completely out of question. Worst of all, the Stanford Registrar has placed him on academic probation for failure to “physically engage with campus faculty,” as is common practice for ‘problem types’ of this sort.

Still, Morris maintains a sliver of hope. He’s currently enrolled in 18 1-unit classes, giving him ample potential opportunities for one-on-one time and a successful coitus with an instructor. He’s set his Tinder preferences for all individuals aged 55+ who conduct original research and commonly teach undergraduate, professional and postgraduate courses in their fields of expertise. And, finally, he’s set smaller goals along the way. After all, as goes Stanford’s motto, “the wind of freedom blows their instructor.”

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