Here at Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches, we have a little saying: “The customer is always right.” They want their bread toasted? Done. They want the onions grilled? A-ok. They want to mix ketchup and mustard together into a new, ungodly condiment? Who are we to tell them no!
So when alt-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones walked into our establishment and insisted that FEMA was building detention camps in the Mojave desert to harvest white people’s organs and create an reptilian super-army? We here at Quiznos were duty-bound to agree.
What followed was a massive corporate restructuring to account for Mr. Jones’, and thus our, strange new truth. We encrypted the menus so the NSA couldn’t read them. We provided telekinesis-proof tinfoil hats to all our employees. Our CEO even orchestrated the Kennedy assassination using time-traveling Soviet hitmen.
Now, finally, we are proud to say that we’ve fulfilled our promise. Alex Jones is a Quiznos customer, and as far as Quiznos is concerned, he is always right.
But rest assured, though we are honor-bound to adopt these theories as truth, our tasty and nutritious subs will remain just as good as ever! Our bread is fresh, our meat is juicy, and unlike the Illuminati’s tap water, our soda is entirely free of mind-controlling gay fluoride.
Shit, we’re sorry; Alex Jones told us to say that that, and as a company that takes its word very seriously, the New World Order now has to be an official aspect of our consumer branding.
But hey, even though there are Nazi colonies on the dark side of the moon, we here at Quiznos like to look on the bright side of things. So just remember that all we need to do to return to our logically-consistent, scientifically-verifiable former selves is for another customer to walk in and insist that no, the earth is not hollow and full of dinosaurs. Then, finally, that customer will be right, and we can all take off these damn tinfoil hats.
Until then, we here at the Quiznos Board of Directors wish you and your parallel-universe evil twins all the best.
Quiznos: “We do sandwiches, and Bush did 9/11.”