Chicago (AP) – An apartment building collapsed last Tuesday killing all two hundred people inside. Of those who were killed, one was the second-cousin-twice-removed of the third-string quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Marty Hastings was 65, lived alone, and was known by neighbors as the old man who liked to kick cats and molest children. Miami Dolphin Walter Hastings is having a difficult time deciding whether he will show up to his 8AM weight lifting session with the team, or go to the funeral. “I never even met the creepy old-dude,” said the quarterback, “So I might go, maybe.” No one knows as of yet how this tragedy will affect the Dolphins’ season, but the entire world is praying for the Hastings family at the moment. Also killed in the collapse were 3 teachers, one fireman, and a Nobel Laureate.

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