Chicago (AP) – An apartment building collapsed last Tuesday killing all two hundred people inside. Of those who were killed, one was the second-cousin-twice-removed of the third-string quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Marty Hastings was 65, lived alone, and was known by neighbors as the old man who liked to kick cats and molest children. Miami Dolphin Walter Hastings is having a difficult time deciding whether he will show up to his 8AM weight lifting session with the team, or go to the funeral. “I never even met the creepy old-dude,” said the quarterback, “So I might go, maybe.” No one knows as of yet how this tragedy will affect the Dolphins’ season, but the entire world is praying for the Hastings family at the moment. Also killed in the collapse were 3 teachers, one fireman, and a Nobel Laureate.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…