Thursday evening’s Lunar New Year Celebration, a large, festive event at Wilbur Dining, brought flocks of students from all over campus to feast on many Asian cuisine items. With so many students, however, popular foods quickly ran out, including fan-favorites such as mochi, chocolate ice cream, and fried sesame balls.

At 6:23 PM, after the last sesame ball was claimed by junior Leonard Cooperstone, those still waiting in line for the now-absent sesame balls immediately broke off and formed a coalition on the Okada side of Wilbur, citing irreconcilable differences. Cooperstone then proceeded to create his own faction, proclaiming the oatmeal area and soft-serve machine as the faction’s base. Gradually, other groups began to form, one made up of people who still had uneaten sesame balls on their plates, and another comprised of people who didn’t even like sesame balls.

At 6:29 PM, each group began to send individuals in to claim weapons, including forks, spoons, and leftover blunt wooden chopsticks. At 6:33 PM, 24 tributes were sent in to fight to the death over the loss of the precious sesame balls. By 6:35 PM, the fighting was over, with six students dead by the kimchi bar, another seven by the new coffee machine, five by Wilbur’s never-ending supply of sliced bread, and another five on the floor in the center of the dining hall, dispatched by chopsticks shoved cleanly through the neck. Cooperstone himself was the last surviving tribute, and he helped himself to the remaining egg tarts as dining staff removed corpses and dirty plates from tables.

Students casually left the scene talking amicably to one another, and the peculiar occurrence was never spoken of again. The families of the five Wilbur Games victims were given a year’s supply of sesame balls.

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