As we inaugurate a new political administration, now is a good time to reflect on generational boundaries. On the one hand, we have the Gen Xers, who, despite their many shortcomings, have given the world such wonderful gifts as the iPhone and the band Nirvana. On the other hand, we have Millennials, who are actually just a pile of stones. They’re small stones too, you can’t even build anything useful with them.
Every generation likes to lament that the following one just ruins everything. But look, these punks are actually just a pile of small rocks. How are they supposed to carry the mantle of modern civilization? They can’t even hold up a medium-sized coffee table! I tried throwing a rock the other day, and it broke my neighbor’s window. Stupid Millennials, they can’t do anything right!
Needless to say, rocks can’t vote. And Millennials’ underrepresentation at the polls is my raison du jour for why Clinton lost the election. Seriously guys, rocks? What were we thinking! More Millennials are receiving college educations than any other generation, but what’s that going to do? How are you going to use that Philosophy degree if you’re just one stone out of a pile of like, five stones or so. Bet you should have thought harder about your life decisions, huh rocks?

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…