We at Fandango would like to express our heartfelt sympathies and prayers for Phil Hughes of billing address 618 Marsh Hawk Lane in Seattle, Wash., 98101. We hope that it was some sort of atrocious mistake, that he somehow clicked on show times for “Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son” accidentally filled in the box that would cause him to pay $10.75 for an adult ticket and proceeded to navigate unawares through the numerous confirmation menus that are designed to avert catastrophes such as these. Even so, we’ve been crying all night, staring at the walls and just wondering how the world can be so beautiful for some, yet so empty for others like Phil.
There is so much we don’t know. We don’t know what causes a man to stoop so low, buying a ticket to see Martin Lawrence in drag and a fat suit kneeing people in the groin—on opening night no less. We don’t know if Phil had a wife and children at one point, a couple of friends maybe, even relatives with whom he is on good terms. All we know is that he doesn’t now, and that the only thing he does have is a source of discretionary income that allows him to spend money on the sequel to the sequel of a movie that made anyone with an ounce of self-respect left in their body feel nauseous.
“WHY??” we ask, as we tug at our hair and wipe the tear stains off of our keyboards. Why on earth did he bother ordering it off of Fandango? Was it because his wretched mind is so delusional that he thought he would have to order early to get a good seat? Or maybe he didn’t want to face the shame of walking alone up to the ticket window, averting his eyes and mumbling ‘One for the 9:45 showing of “Big Momma’s House.”
So we cry, cry for a world without mercy or humanity. Cry because a grown man, who draws a paycheck and has a MasterCard that expires 09/13, is sitting in a darkened theater in Seattle, watching Big Momma play a game of pick-up basketball, her fake breasts flapping in the cold morning air.