Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and ask students why “they hated animals” and if they would be willing to “eat a puppy too.” Now, however, he has been shoved aside in a familiar 21st century fashion by an employee who requires no wage: artificial intelligence.
The vegan-bot2000 is the brain child of machine-learning expert and scorn enthusiast Gerald Silver. Silver says he was inspired by the success of the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials and their ability to “make people feel bad about themselves.” Stern dining is currently piloting the vegan-bot2000, the first of hopefully many dining halls. According to Silver’s explanation, the technology works by detecting when students have placed meat on their plate and subsequently targeting them for a barrage of messages designed to “make them feel really, really bad about themselves.” Some phrases include: “hey, so why do you hate Earth?”, “oh that’s fine, who cares about morality anyway?”, and of course “have you even seen every meat-industry documentary? You are filth.”
Industry experts predict that three other career paths may be at risk: Facebook libertarians, your annoying younger brother, and people are still talking about how great Breaking Bad is.