Saturday, Chelsea suffered a humiliating defeat against Premier League rivals Arsenal, giving up 3 goals before halftime and failing to materialize any sort of counterattack during the second half. This defeat is particularly demoralizing after Chelsea’s defeat last week, and is as disappointing as when my then-girlfriend Chelsea refused to answer any of my text messages during the final days of our relationship.

Chelsea showed a serious lack of energy, coordination and heart. Similarly, the football team Chelsea insisted on playing Ivanovic at right-back, effectively dooming their chances of ever making an opportunity happen.

It may seem as if any coincidences between the Premier League team Chelsea FC and my former love, Chelsea Adelson, are purely superficial. This could not be further from the truth, as both Chelseas are losers who are often completely unable to do even the simplest tasks when faced with pressure.

As one Twitter user put it, ‘Chelsea show no gumption, no communication, no commitment. An absolute sham.’ I could not have described my relationship with Chelsea any better. Also she never thinks of anyone but herself and can’t be bothered to check her goddamn phone.

While Chelsea may have a chance to improve its performance against Hull City next week, Chelsea Adelson will sadly never change, doomed to forever stay a heartless monster with terrible posture.

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