Hey, I’m Jonas, and I’ve got one thing to say: I’m way cooler than you’ll ever be. That’s because of my new diesel-powered Scooter Bike 6000. It’s red, has a miniature license plate, and can go from 0 to 60 in under 12 seconds. I already know that’s cooler than anything you’ll accomplish or possess in your lifetime, but for the sake of argument let’s entertain the notion that maybe—just maybe—you’ll amount to something.

You may be majoring in Econ with plans for business school, or maybe you’re a CS major with a shiny new position at Facebook already lined up, but one thing’s for sure: no matter how fast you rise to the top of the corporate ladder, you will never be as fast as I am on my new titanium frame scooter bike that I bought with the money my grandma left me.

What do you plan to do after graduation? Get a job? Start a family? Not me. I’m moving way too fast for those things. I can easily outpace any job offer or potential wife. Because owning a scooter bike is not just a mode of transportation, it’s a lifestyle, a lifestyle that requires leaving all other lifestyles in the dust. So while you may enjoy bowling down the interstate in your fancy corporate Cadillac, know that I have greater quickness, agility, and freedom where it really counts— the highway of life.

Some people say the price on the road to success is giving up what you love, but I guess that’s not a price I’m willing to pay. I’m too fast for toll roads.

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