Hey, I’m Jonas, and I’ve got one thing to say: I’m way cooler than you’ll ever be. That’s because of my new diesel-powered Scooter Bike 6000. It’s red, has a miniature license plate, and can go from 0 to 60 in under 12 seconds. I already know that’s cooler than anything you’ll accomplish or possess in your lifetime, but for the sake of argument let’s entertain the notion that maybe—just maybe—you’ll amount to something.

You may be majoring in Econ with plans for business school, or maybe you’re a CS major with a shiny new position at Facebook already lined up, but one thing’s for sure: no matter how fast you rise to the top of the corporate ladder, you will never be as fast as I am on my new titanium frame scooter bike that I bought with the money my grandma left me.

What do you plan to do after graduation? Get a job? Start a family? Not me. I’m moving way too fast for those things. I can easily outpace any job offer or potential wife. Because owning a scooter bike is not just a mode of transportation, it’s a lifestyle, a lifestyle that requires leaving all other lifestyles in the dust. So while you may enjoy bowling down the interstate in your fancy corporate Cadillac, know that I have greater quickness, agility, and freedom where it really counts— the highway of life.

Some people say the price on the road to success is giving up what you love, but I guess that’s not a price I’m willing to pay. I’m too fast for toll roads.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…