Following the controversial enforcement of their ban on wearing full-body “burkini” swimsuits in order to “protect women’s rights”, the French National Police have announced that they will branch out in their crusade to defend women, this time combatting domestic violence by kicking Muslim women in the shins.

“This is a very sensitive topic,” said a spokesman speaking frankly, “and we are engaging in this defense of our secular values with the decorum that you have grown to expect of police in a Western nation.”

A police chief outlined the step-by-step implementation of the new procedure. First, a concerned citizen alerts the police to the presence of a woman who is at risk of domestic violence, perhaps by pushing a stroller along the sidewalk. Then, after confirming that the suspect is in fact Muslim, the police officers are to give the suspect “un petit knock-knock”, which is French for “kick in the shins while humming La Marseillaise”. As a final, optional, step, the police officer is to reduce trauma to bystanders in the immediate vicinity by distributing tiny Eiffel Tower keychains.

As of press time, the French government is also considering addressing low performance scores amongst at-risk high school students by expelling Algerians.

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