IHUM used to be a thriving forum where students sparred and matched wits, a place where students could break bread with such intellectual giants as Nietzsche and Marx. But starting a few years ago, everything changed. IHUM theses became vague and supporting evidence faded away. Attendance fell and Facebook usage in lectures rose. Soon, IHUM was a husk of its former self, and Stanford administrators have made the difficult decision to pull the plug.

However, this move ignited a firestorm of protest across campus. IHUM kids past and present have picketed White Plaza with signs, bearing slogans such as “Half-hearted Powerpoint Presentations are Signs of Life!” and “I Need My External Validation!” One IHUM advocate likened the program to Odysseus in Homer’s The Odyssey, “during whose long absence many young suitors assumed him death and courted his wife, only to be disgraced upon his arrival, in disguise, which is a recurring motif throughout the epic poem…” and went on as one by one everyone stopped paying attention.

But Dr. Hofferwitz, the physician in whose care IHUM has spent recent years, disagrees. “The occasional non-B grade you see coming out of this program is just the random firing of synapses in an already dead brain. They are meaningless, like the discussions we hear during IHUM sections.” Hofferwitz continued. “Although, when prodded, IHUM may produce a metaphor or a quote from Machiavelli’s The Prince, these are just knee-jerk reactions, no more. The best we can do now is to end its suffering and give it the rest it deserves.”

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