On May 19th, when the draw results are released thousands of Stanford students will be sorted into Stanford’s many housing options. For many lucky students, the draw is a time of optimism for the year ahead. For freshman Mitchell Dougan, however, the draw will be the gateway into a world of pain.

With draw number 1932, Dougan will be split from his close freshman friends, who will be scattered across campus. Although being split from one’s group is one of the worst things that can happen in the draw, Dougan’s nightmare will have only just begun.

“I read ’Naranja’ and I thought it was just another pronunciation of ‘Narnia,’ and now I am well and truly fucked,” Dougan will say upon realizing the extent of his folly. He will be placed in a one room double in Naranja with a smelly, sexually active DJ.

While living in Naranja next year with DJ Ooze, a dog will bite Dougan’s arm, and the ensuing infection will cause him to lose the arm from the shoulder. Friendless and one-armed in Naranja, Dougan will spill water all over his computer. On the walk to the Apple store, Dougan will fall in a patch of poison-ivy.

“This has been the worst year ever!” Dougan will finally proclaim, rashy and one-armed and friendless, before drawing tier 3 into FroSoCo.

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