STANFORD, CA- After meeting with the heads of every academic department, the provost and vice-provost, Dean Julie, Condoleezza Rice, and Andrew Luck, President John L. Hennessy announced this morning that Stanford would be seceding from the union.

Said Hennessy, “We feel that as a University, we would function more successfully as our own country rather than as a part of the United States,” Hennessy continued, “If Stanford were a country, we would’ve finished 11th in the Beijing Olympics medal count. We have chemical engineers that can build bombs for our defense, and we have a controlling interest in the biggest tech company in the world.”

Stanford plans to complete secession in the next two years and will have an unveiling of the plain red flag in Memorial Auditorium later this week.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…