Stanford University Secedes From The Union

November 5, 2011 6:00 am
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Stanford University Secedes From The Union

STANFORD, CA- After meeting with the heads of every academic department, the provost and vice-provost, Dean Julie, Condoleezza Rice, and Andrew Luck, President John L. Hennessy announced this morning that Stanford would be seceding from the union.

Said Hennessy, “We feel that as a University, we would function more successfully as our own country rather than as a part of the United States,” Hennessy continued, “If Stanford were a country, we would’ve finished 11th in the Beijing Olympics medal count. We have chemical engineers that can build bombs for our defense, and we have a controlling interest in the biggest tech company in the world.”

Stanford plans to complete secession in the next two years and will have an unveiling of the plain red flag in Memorial Auditorium later this week.