Dear Trump Supporter,

A lot of my friends rushed this quarter. Originally I didn’t think Greek life was for me so I skipped out on it, but now that almost all of my friends have joined frats and sororities I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m missing out. Do you have any advice?

-Left Behind in Larkin

Listen, Left Behind,

I’m not sure what’s going here, I woke up in this pit, and I just found this computer and your email’s there? The walls are really tall and I can’t get out, and it doesn’t look like there’s anyone nearby who can help. Can you explain to me what’s going on?

-Jeff, who is currently stuck in a 10-foot ditch

Dear Trump Supporter,

I know everyone says your senior spring is supposed to be so fun, but I’m squeezing in so many classes that I feel like I don’t have any time to go out with my friends. How do you do work-life balance?

-Stressed Out in Slav

Stressed Out, you need to help me. I don’t know why I’m here, I just woke up here, and the emails keep coming in. Why am I here? Why does everyone insist on referring to me as a Trump supporter? I mean, I think he makes some good points but I don’t see what my political affiliation has to do with me being in this pit or helping you.

-Jeff my name is Jeff god damn it

Dear Trump Supporter,

I’m not sure how to phrase this politely, but I legitimately don’t understand how you can consciously make the decision to cast your political allegiance to an openly xenophobic misogynist. What do you have to say for yourself?

-Feeling the Bern in Branner

Bern,

I am sorry that my political opinions have somehow offended you. However, I am currently preoccupied attempting to scale the walls of my strange prison. There seems to be enough canned food and water here to last quite some time, but I must say that it’s very boring here and I’m trying my best to leave. If you can, send help and I’d be happy to talk politics with you.

Thanks,

Jeff

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