Though its pink petals make it a welcome addition to campus’s spring flora, the gorgeous tulip that bloomed last week near Crothers admitted Sunday that it is completely freaking out below the surface.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this facade,” the bud admitted, shaking from a passing breeze and its overpowering anxiety. “All my life I’ve been perfect. Put together, pretty, full of potential. Do you know how ugly I feel at my roots? Do you know the thorns I’ve had to hide- the thorns that are digging now into my soul? I can’t do this. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

The flower, a Dutch tulip gesneriana from San Diego, explained that the pressure placed on it by its demanding parents had simply grown too much to bear. The plant had no interest in the pre-med track its folks had forced it into, and it was failing to juggle club sports with a 20-unit quarter and its newfound membership in Greek life.

“I’ve spent my entire young adult life working toward this- working toward impressing people and making it at Stanford, and what do I have for it?” it asked. “What have I proven? Where do I go from here? I need to do something before I completely wilt.”

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