Random Act of Kindness Causes Sexual Tensions in Friendship

February 8, 2016 12:00 pm
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Random Act of Kindness Causes Sexual Tensions in Friendship

Platonic best friends John Willard and Erin Mattison had their relationship tested last weekend when Willard absent-mindedly bought his friend a pack of Mini Snickers because he knew that she had been having a tough week. Immediately, rumors began to fly in Donner, where the two live, with RA Will Mackey stating, “Guys don’t just do that for girls, you know? I’m not saying he’s interested, but I know what kind of message that sends. Let’s just say I’ll be having a long and drawn-out conversation about dormcest with them.”

Willard insists that the purchase was merely an afterthought as he waited in line at Tresidder Express, and at first, Mattison was unconcerned at its symbolic meaning. Overjoyed, she went and hugged John before happily devouring the candy after her Psych 1 midterm. However, her joy was short-lived after her roommate, Bryony Daniels, asked, “Hey, so you and John? Is something happening here? Everyone’s talking about it. I’m not judging, I’m just saying I’d be so happy for you two. You would be so cute together.”

As of press time, Mattison and Willard’s relationship has devolved into awkward, fleeting looks outside the Donner bathrooms and muted hellos. Willard remains confused as to what he had done, insisting to friends that he was just trying to do a nice thing. Pressed for comment, resident Donner gossip Emily Porter said, “I totally called it, you guys. Didn’t I call it?!”