Stanford University President John Hennessy, his face in shadow beneath a dark hood, gave an exclusive interview this week detailing his long-held evil plans of global domination.  “Fifty years of presidency at Stanford, funneling money, technology and resources, my board positions at Google and Cisco.  All has come to this,” said Hennessy to his interviewer, cackling maniacally in between bites of veal.  “I will be stepping down as president, but only because I no longer have need of that position.  Since this university’s  inception, all has been to create this moment.”

According to anonymous sources, at the start of his presidency John Hennessy began construction on a mysterious subterranean silo beneath hoover tower, which has expanded rapidly over the last few decades into the area formally home to Meyer library. “Meyer library was just the beginning, soon all of Stanford will crumble in the wake of my ascension” said Hennessy, a small smile creeping over his scar-ridden face.  It has been suspected that other construction projects, such as the ongoing demotion of the Cummings arts building, are also a part of Hennessy’s evil scheme. “The arts building was….a necessary sacrifice” said Hennessy, putting the tips of all his fingers together in front of his face conspiratorially.

“On the last day of my so-called ‘presidency’ I will initiate my plans,” Hennessy concluded, before quietly signaling to a large suited henchman in the corner of the room. “Why am I telling you this?  Foolish reporter, because now it is far too late. I merely wanted you to appreciate the brilliance of my plan before you and everyone else are molecularly deconstructed as a result of the overwhelming power of THE DEVICE. Go on, tell the world of my plans, I dare some vigilante to try and impede me!  There is no good and bad in this world, only power!!”

You May Also Like

Why Vampire Mothers Are Superior

A lot of people wonder how Vampire parents raise such stereotypically successful…

The Back Power Movement: Equality for All Backs

Though many argue that discrimination does not exist at Stanford, the straps…

Brett Favre Can’t Decide Heads or Tails on Coin Flip

MINNEAPOLIS—Minnesota Vikings Team Captain Brett Favre took over 15 minutes to decide…