Researchers at Stanford made an incredible breakthrough in the field of zoology last week as they discovered a complex social web of interactions amongst local coyote populations. The scientists’ data indicates that coyotes have group dynamics that closely mimic those found in humans; from the formation of ‘cliques’ to the giving of swirlies to unpopular or nerdy coyotes.
In conducting their research, Stanford scientists were shocked to discover that the coyotes’ social order was eerily similar to human adolescence, with one subject (Coyote A) remarking, “I hear Coyote B was blowing Coyote D in the gym bathrooms and that’s why they had to cancel Winter Formal.” Field research also made mention of a group of coyotes cornering the spindly-looking pack member with poor eyesight, lifting him up by his ankles and giving him what appeared to be an atomic wedgie before howling in amusement.
The coyote pack appeared to be led by a pack of cool coyotes, who were considered to be more fashionable by the other coyotes and whose fathers had money. The aforementioned cool coyotes used their status to sub-divide the pack even further, with only certain coyotes ever being invited to the leaders’ den on Friday Night to hang out and watch The Hills.
Head scientist Madeline Wenner remains baffled by this behaviour, saying, “The cool coyotes laughed in my face and told me to call them once I’d filled out my bra. I spent the day bawling out in the mesa.”