Junior Calvin Andrews is a good guy. He gets good grades and participates in community service and extracurricular activities. Sadly, during Calvin’s freshman year, his friends started calling him “Cal.”

Ever since adopting the unfortunate moniker, Calvin has been the victim of numerous, relentless assaults on his person.

“Everywhere I go people try to beat me,” said Andrews. “It gets really bad when the signs comes up on Memorial. Crowds of people follow me around, chanting ‘Beat Cal’ and hitting me with books or their fists or whatever. I live in a world of pain.”

One of the most persistent of Andrews’ attackers, Jeffrey Fleener, was interviewed. “Jeffrey see big sign on library. Big red letters say ‘Beat Cal’. Jeffrey obey big sign with big red letters on library. Jeffrey Beat Cal. Jeffrey Beat Cal bad.”

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