Following SAE’s indefinite loss of housing as a result of a University-conducted Title IX investigation, the fraternity’s brothers have found their way of life disrupted. In the case of one brother, Bryson Duchamp — known by close associates as “Big Time,”– the news has hit particularly hard, as he will have to take up his daily harassment activities outdoors.

“Have you ever been outside?” said Duchamp in an interview, dejectedly kicking a beer can against the former-SAE porch, “The outside is cold and rainy…sometimes. Not all the time, but still. It sucks!”

Mr. “Big Time” went on to express despair that his usual verbal harassment would now be hindered by harsh daylight and a lack of enclosed spaces. “I don’t really know what that whole ‘investigation’ was about,” Duchamp continued, “but this is totally not cool. Can’t a guy go about his business in the safety of his own University-owned house?”

While other brothers of the fraternity seek to move on with their lives, Duchamp has decided to compensate for his lost privileges by turning to social media. He hopes that the immediacy and anonymity of the Internet will in some way mimic the “vibe” of his former life. As of press time, he was seen sitting in the middle of a field, typing furiously on his phone as a wistful smile crept across his face.

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