Despite the Cardinal’s impressive 45-16 rout of the Iowa Hawkeyes in this year’s Rose Bowl, the evening ended on a somber note as NCAA officials revealed that star RB Christian McCaffrey will be suspended for a year under a little-known NCAA by-law banning outrageous charm and good looks.
Noting the sophomore’s ‘winning smile’, ‘stunning eyes’, and ‘incredible feats of athletic achievement’, which included breaking the Rose Bowl’s all-time all-purpose yards record, NCAA legal Counsel John Pope said they had no choice but to suspend the player under the rarely-seen ‘too cool for school’ provision.
“Given that the player in question has literally transcended human levels of coolness, we had no other option.” continued NCAA head Mark Emmert. “It brings the game into disrepute, and quite frankly, is damaging to the self-esteem of his fellow students to have someone who is so handsome and great and cool.”
Despite the crippling nature of the punishment, Stanford players and fans seemed unwilling to defend their star. “Oh my God, did he just wave at me, I think he just waved at me, I think I’m hyperventilating, Kev did you see that??!!” said freshman WR Trent Irwin, while CB Quenton Meeks told friends, “Dude, he totally knows me and sometimes, in the tunnel before games, he even says ‘Hey.’”
NCAA by-laws, however, indicate a possible path to re-institution. Should McCaffrey take steps to reduce his coolness, he can be reinstated. As of press time, McCaffrey was reported to be running for the ASSU Senate.