Across the country, millions of Americans are outraged by the controversial new Religious Freedom Bill passed in Indiana, which allows local business-owners to discriminate based on their patrons’ sexual orientation. After hearing that gay couples could potentially be denied goods such as wedding cakes, Indianapolis-based bakery owner Greg Aikerman, who is homosexual himself, has publicly endorsed the bill after seeing a potential boom in business among queer consumers.
“Look, I’m not supporting discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community, but the cake industry is a blood bath,” said Aikerman, standing among the bill supporters, “I’m willing to sacrifice my moral values for a leg up on the competition, especially Gianna’s Bakery down the street, those Italian assholes. They’re probably in there right now, spending their filthy Italian lucre and discriminating against people like me, those mustachioed fuckwads.”
In order to maximize sales in his new business model, Aikerman has decided to dedicate all of his baked goods to be geared towards his new target population. This transformation would mark the first bakery in Indiana to strictly offer genitalia-shaped cakes and other baked goods. One possible difficulty for Greg may be that Mr. Aikerman refuses to use Italian-made XO flour, stating it’s been touched by ‘gross pizza-stained fingers.’ However, opening in May, Greg’s Bakery is looking to take the conservative-ruled state by storm.