STANFORD, CA — Early last week, Brett Sherman, a representative from the Office of Accessible Education announced that the entire department would be relocated to a new, state-of-the-art building complete with multiple break rooms and furnished kitchenette. While Sherman maintains that the new office is “super sick…especially the kitchenette,” many others see the building as “unnecessary” and as “another example of Stanford’s complete disregard for handicap accessibility,” being utterly devoid of handicap ramps and elevators.

“At first I couldn’t believe how nice the kitchenette in our new office would be,” said Sherman, effortlessly standing atop a ladder that leads up to the new break room. “We have this really cool new vending machine that makes coffee and tea,” said Sherman, referring to the 1,500 pound piece of machinery that multiple burly men hauled up multiple flights of stairs. “You’d be shocked if you learned how many man-hours it took to find the perfect model snack dispenser. We really give it 110% when it comes to stuff like this.”

The new building, which was carefully developed by a team of designers who couldn’t possibly see how this building setup could be inconvenient for anyone, is set to open in the coming weeks. At press time, a worker from the OAE was seen disconnecting all of the office’s phone lines and removing the railings from all the new staircases.

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