STANFORD, CA—Citing an excess of Cards Against Humanity games and a lack of alcohol, cool and popular students from across Stanford University have deemed freshman dorm lounge areas unsafe spaces.

“When I committed to Stanford, I was picturing popular kids like me,” said Charlie DeMarco, a freshman in Serra, who has had trouble finding his community on campus due to his handsomeness. “Unfortunately, my dorm is full of unattractive people who enjoy studying and being lame. What is Settlers of Catan? And why would anybody ever care about a trip to the Exploratorium? I wish I’d never left high school.”

University administrators are doing everything they can to make Stanford a more accepting place for students like DeMarco, with the Dean of students attempting a variety of strategies to entice the cooler students into the common spaces. From hiring fun, exclusive RA’s who drink with select residents to making “no nerds allowed” signs for the lounge, the dean’s initiatives have been lauded by cool kids all over campus.

As of press time, the cool kids were beginning a melancholy game of spin the bottle in the lounge, while those deemed “geeks” watched awkwardly from the doorway.

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