As moderates consolidate behind their lukewarm candidate of choice, Joe Biden, the Democratic National Committee has stepped up its efforts to halt the momentum of populist insurgent Bernie Sanders. After having drop-outs Buttigieg, Klobuchar, Harris, O’Rourke and Bloomberg all endorse the former vice president, and amid wall-to-wall positive TV coverage, Flipside investigators now report yet another effort by the party machine to solidify Biden’s support: inventing a dozen new, delegate-rich states and hoping no one notices.
Reporting from within DNC central command, one under-cover journalist recounted scenes of top officials hunched over maps of the United States, anxiously adding on new fictional states in crayon which they can then claim Biden won.
“New St. Grunt goes to Biden after its primary last Friday, awarding him 38 delegates,” DNC chair Tom Perez was heard announcing as he hastily drew an oblong trapezoid into the Gulf of Mexico. “And though the race in American French Guinea was close, Biden edges out another victory there, granting him 63 delegates and Tulsi Gabbard 56.”
“Sanders did not do well there, only gaining one vote,” Perez added. “How… mysterious.”
This bold campaign strategy was all but confirmed in a recent party announcement, when those few among the public who still pay attention to the blow-by-blow of the primaries were baffled to hear that Biden had absolutely swept states like “Dundles” and “South Canchelko.”
“The caucuses this afternoon in Toxoplassachusetts went swimmingly for the Biden campaign, earning him 3.72 x 10^4 delegates,” one MSNBC anchor reported while pointing to a graphic of a crudely-drawn samurai standing horizontally astride the Oregon coast. “But the real game-changer was Slobbertown, USA, which has essentially nullified Bernie’s win in California by awarding him -204 delegates. Not a great night for the Sanders campaign!”
At press time, Biden was seen reviewing briefing papers with a confused frown, saying, “Washagon? I don’t remember that one… and not this ‘Idaho’, either.”