In what is news for many LA residents who did not previously realize they had a football team, the Rams and Patriots will face off in the 2019 Super Bowl LII which will take place this Sunday. The game, which will generate millions of dollars in revenue and leave at least three running backs with degenerative brain disease, might be the last for the iconic Brady-Belichick duo.

Brady, in particular, is aging and has faced a number of recent scandals over the years, including those surrounding his deflated, shriveled balls. And as for the rumor that he makes out with his children?  “Totally untrue,” Brady said. “I slap their asses to indicate affection.”  For his part, Rams coach Sean McVay had this to say about the rival quarterback: “I would say it’s a friendly rivalry. Sort of like, I hope he gets cancer, but that it’s probably not terminal.”

Patriots fans, who are known to enjoy “beer, football, and the US of A Baby” have been concerned about rising Rams talent Jared Goff. But that’s no reason to sweat, according to Patriots head coach Bill Belichick: “I’ve recently been taking extra steps to ensure a win,” he said, “like running extra special teams practices and sending threatening letters to the referees’ families explicitly detailing medieval methods of disembowelment.” When asked to clarify the latter half of his statement, he went on to explain, “that’s only if the bribes don’t work, of course. So far, no entrails have been spilled.”

The half time show is projected to be one of the most exciting yet, with a talent line-up including Chris Brown, Louis CK, the tomato from veggie tales, and, of course, headliner R. Kelly. According to an anonymous NFL representative, these performers were the clear choices for the nation’s biggest performance of the year. “They all really represent the values that the NFL holds dear,” said the rep. “Frankly, we were a little concerned that one of them might have tested positive for marijuana, but luckily they were all in the clear.” The best performance of the night, however, is rumored to be coming from Referee John Parry, who will have to pretend he did not see a substantial number of the Patriots’ flagrant holding penalties.

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