Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

February 18, 2015 9:00 am
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Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

Reporting that this year was perhaps the fundraiser’s most successful to date, coordinators for the popular Stanford Dance Marathon announced yesterday that they were able to raise over $1,000 for Partners in Health Rwanda—all while keeping fatalities at a record low. “Dance Marathon is an incredible opportunity for people to come together and make a difference, and we’re just so glad we had this great turnout,” said Hannah Boyd, the event’s lead coordinator and on-site medic. In response to a mention of the mass violent and sudden deaths that occurred in past years of DM, Boyd shrugged and said, “Of course, we unfortunately did lose a few dancers, but they really weren’t all that good. And I’d think they’d agree that their lives were a small price to pay for such an awesome experience.”

Boyd also discussed new possibilities for next year’s Marathon, hinting at potential locations, a surprise musical guest, and a “few other logistical details.” “It is sort of a bother to get rid of the bodies, so yes, we’ll definitely institute preventative measures to reduce fatigue, dehydration, and trampling. But I won’t bore you with those details. The point is, we’re focused on having a good time, and dancing through the pain, and the blood, and the exhaustion. I swear, every Marathon after this is going to be even more enjoyable and less deadly than the last.”

Though visibly excited by Dance Marathon’s bright future, Boyd did go on to regretfully inform that the entrance fee might be raised to cover elevated catering, rental, and funeral costs. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, “I really should go to Vaden for this punctured lung. But it was all for a good cause!”