Pope’s Intentions Still Religious

February 23, 2015 12:00 pm
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Pope’s Intentions Still Religious

The Vatican — Earlier this week, Pope Francis addressed concerned Catholics around the world by noting that, despite his recent acts of humanity and charity, the values of the Catholic Church remain firmly in place. While the Pope has been celebrated for his progressive nature, he insists that much of the Church’s values will stay entrenched.

“I think it’s very important that people still remember that we are the Catholic Church, and have cultivated a long history in bigotry, hatred, repression, and shame,” Francis reminded Catholics around the world in a press conference last week. “While I may be the most tolerant Pope the church has had to date, I promise that having sex, worshiping any other god, not confessing your sins, and not donating to the Catholic Church are all still very, very evil.”

While these words will surely assuage some more traditional members of the Catholic Church, others felt unsatisfied by the Pontifex’s remarks. “Sure, he claims he’s still intolerant,” says longtime member of the Roman Catholic Church Judy Giovanni, “but when I see him giving to the poor and hinting that deviant behavior such as believing in Islam may not be a one-way ticket to hell, well, I wonder if he’s really even Catholic at all.”

Despite these criticisms, it is reported that, in order to further solidify his position on the matter, the pope will symbolically shoot a gay pigeon in the courtyard of St. Peter’s Basilica later this week.