Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

October 8, 2018 9:00 am
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Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

In a rambling presentation — to use the term loosely — that took place deep in the stacks of Green Library Thursday evening, ‘The Onion’ co-founder Scott Dikkers advocated for authenticity, humor and the worship of an apocalyptic death cult known as the Noino before explosively defecating as students nearby quietly tried to study.

The speech started innocently enough, with a disheveled Dikkers delivering a lengthy diatribe against those who’d wronged him past lives, culminating in his swearing eternal vengeance on Onion co-founder Tim Keck for stealing a bottle of “salt-milk” from him in 1988. The speech then seamlessly merged into a frantic call for all attendees to flee the library immediately and form an isolated feudal society on the coast of Greenland. This was largely met with silence, save for a single unenthused “Huh” from a graduate student.

From there things only devolved further, with Dikkers swinging erratically between legitimate tips about how to write comedy and an occult ritual in which the media baron pulled seven black candles out of his nose and lit them while praising a mysterious group he called the Noino.

“The Crimson Order of the Noino shall rain down flesh and hornets on those so foolish as to reject their beckoning call,” Dikkers reportedly chanted several dozen times as a handful of nearby students put in their headphones and tried their best to avoid his unblinking eye contact.

The night came to a memorable close when, with all the stage presence and poise of an expert public speaker, Dikkers squatted on a table in the center of the room and discharged a torrent of putrid feces before climbing out of a nearby window and flying into the sunset.

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