You may not have heard about this, in between fiddling with your latest “app” and shoving some sandwich or another through your slack jaw,
but John Ellis Bush (“Jeb,” to the syllabically challenged of our readers straddling the Mississippi) is considering running for president in 2016. Even a half wit with a time machine can see that’s a bad idea.

Can you imagine what would happen to this country if we allowed this man to put his admittedly charming mug on television? Let me spell it out for you in letters even a Georgia milk cow could scrawl out left-hoofed: he would entrance us. The non-goldfish out there (not many of you mud-brained media junkies, I know) can scarce close their eyes at night without memories of George Bush Jr.’s shrewd, adorable Southern face fading into view. I know I’m not alone when I say that seeing George Bush Jr. on television awakened something inside of me, a sense of simultaneous comradery and latent physical attraction. A flash of those gunmetal eyes, and I was ready to go to war with the whole damn world.

One can only assume that such features run in the family. Even still photos of Jeb, many of them shot at low, unflattering angles, hint at a raw, sexual vitality glittering beneath his pale, loose chin skin. Do we really want four more years of the same old Bush?! The same overreach in authority, the same ignorance of our personal needs, the same dark stimulations that haunt our waking hours and take up residence in our dreams? Do your part, dear, idiotic readers, and remain chaste this election. Resist the voices in your head that tell you to reach out and stroke your television set, to kiss your newspaper. Remain chaste for America. Remain chaste for democracy.

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