As Thanksgiving break neared an end last Friday, most students were at home with their families, enjoying home-cooked meals and holiday cheer. Other students, like junior Arnold Bertram, spent the end of the vacation on Stanford’s sparsely populated campus, fighting off a cold snap and extreme loneliness. However, Bertram was able to find temporary relief from his solitude in the form of some plastic cat figurines that he purchased and stroked.

“Well, I texted a few of my friends and none of them texted me back,” said Bertram in an exclusive interview. “And that was yesterday. But today I bought myself these cat figurines and started caressing them. After they warmed up enough it felt like they were alive and when they looked at me they understood me.”

Although Bertram’s room was a mess of cereal bar wrappers and unfolded laundry, Bertram’s face had a glow not unlike that of a mother watching her newborn babe suckle at her breast. “At first I was worried that being alone over Thanksgiving Break would make me sad, but this is the happiest I’ve ever been,” said Bertram with genuine feeling.

As of press time, Bertram was seen pushing his two favorite figurines together to have them kiss.

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