BILLIARD ROOM–Colonel Mustard will walk free today after being wrongly imprisoned for thirty years, thanks to new DNA evidence.

In 1979, Colonel Mustard was convicted of attacking Mrs. Peacock in the conservatory with a candlestick and sentenced to life in prison by a jury of 3-6 of his peers aged from 6 to Adult. However, last week, new evidence has come to light which revealed Professor Plum, a Stanford Resident Fellow, may have been involved in the incident.

“We wouldn’t have thought to reopen the case if it weren’t for the DNA testing in the Stanford Medical Labs,” said Santa Clara County District Attorney Dolores Carr. “Our justice system is extremely flawed; sometimes it seems like people simply guess who they think committed the crime.”

Miss Scarlet, a friend of both Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum refused to comment on this latest development, saying only that she was in the cellar with Mr. Green at the time of the attack, and was at least six spaces away from the incident.

Colonel Mustard is overjoyed to be out of prison and is glad that the truth has come to light after all these years. “I’ve been saying for thirty years that I was in the conservatory with the rope,” said Mustard. “Finally someone believes me.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…