This is the veeeery best most amaaaaazing article you’ve ever read in your entiiiiire life. No, I’m just kidding. It’s sooooo bad! Oooooh you’re sooooo reading this right now, with all your “eyes” and your “brain.” You’ve nnnnnever read anything sooooo sarcastic in your life, have you? The sarcasm is just driiiiipping from the page. It’s wet. I’m the most amaaaaazing writer because everything I write is sooooo sarcastic!

But, I’m also being serious. Everything I say “like thiiiiiis” is sarcasssstic and everything I say “like this”…IS ALSO SARCASTIC! …Not! Okay, it is! It’s all soooooo sarcastic! This article is soooo sarcastic, you can’t even handle it. You don’t know what to believe. No, seriously, this is all sarcastic. All of it. Why do you think I’m saying this if it isn’t true? Take me seriously, would you? Why is everything such a joke to you? I’m being sarcastic right now; take me seriously.

Now, I understand that some of you may doubt my sarcasm. Well I really admire those people an extreme amount. People who doubt me are THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE OF ALL TIME! They are worthy of sooooo much respect. Psych! I haaaaaaate them! They’re the wooooooorst! Do you hear my tone? I’m kidding, again guys! I don’t think you understand how saaarcassssstic I’m being. I am loved by soooooo many friends. I swear, I have friends. I’m being sarcastic right now! It’s funny! My life is so meaningful. Everything is going well and I definitely wasn’t a mistake baby. Ha! See how funny I am? I’m being so sarcastic! Somebody hold me.

You’re sooooo cool! You’re way cooler than me. I was always mean to you because I was jealous of how aaaaaawesome you were. I’m sorry. I wish I was as cool as you. I’ve aaaaalways wanted to say that. I’m sooooo lame and you’re the beeeeest. Stop taking me so seriously, guys, I’m joking! I’m really glad that I’m pre-med and I value that decision highly when I reflect upon it every single day of my life. I’m eeeeempty on the inside. I’m going to go cry alone now.

PSYCH! I’m gonna cry with other people! Because I’m awesome! Okay, not true. HA HA HA! I have no friends! It’s a joke, guys! I’m being funny! I’m mister funny guy because I’m sarcastic on the outside! Nothing is haunting my past and my insides are tooootally all dark and sad! You guys clearly don’t know me. I’m kidding! Guys! Why are you all so serious? This is FUNNY! Laugh with me!

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