10:50: Make sure to wear my “Stanford University: Established 1885” t-shirt…just in case I forget the year Stanford was founded.

10:55: Hide from the swarm of people who think I work in Admissions.

10:59: Reappear just before the tour starts so I don’t look like a perpetually late slacker.

11:01: Introduce myself- as a tour guide, not an admissions officer- to the 4,980 people surrounding me. Fudge my resume so I don’t look like that one Stanford kid who hasn’t done anything with his life.

11:03: Tell myself not to make that clichéd tour guide joke about walking backwards.

11:04: Make that clichéd tour guide joke about walking backwards

11:05: Answer a question about drinking at Stanford.

11:06: Answer a question with “Well, I don’t work in Admissions.”

11:07: Answer the exact same question about drinking at Stanford with the exact same answer I gave two minutes ago. Maybe if you stopped taking pictures, lady in the back, you would’ve heard the question and answer the first time around. Yeah, you.

11:09: Realize no one is interested in the name or purpose of the buildings.

11:10: Just start making shit up. Go through entire tour like this.

12:10: Finish the tour, only to face a line of people who all want to know how I can help their child into Stanford.

12:11: Announce, “Everyone here knows I don’t work in Admissions, right?” Watch no one move.

12:12: Promptly answer the first person by saying, “Well, I don’t work in Admissions.”

12:13: Seriously consider pursuing a career in Admissions.

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