CALIFORNIA – Last Thursday, police discovered the body of May Flowers, a young girl whom locals said embodied life, sunshine, and spring. “It’s horrifying, especially now. This month was the time I used to see little Flowers everywhere I went. She was always there, at the park, in front of a school, in the florists; it was almost like she just sprouted right from the ground. I always thought I’d be able to watch her blossom into a young adult,” California resident, June Buggs, remembers. Another local, John Pilgrim added, “You know, a couple of my buddies and I were going through some rough waters one summer; you know, just feeling like we had to start our life over again. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but she was there for us all the way.”

While the police have not released the official cause of death, many in the small residential community are calling it a “murder,” citing the disappearance of April Showers as proof. Known as a “natural menace,” Showers has been making headlines since January. Her latest appearance was on Friday, April 25 in Palo Alto; according to various witnesses, she terrorized prospective Stanford freshman who couldn’t believe that sort of stormy malevolence inhabited the West Coast. Since then, though, Showers has not shown her grey countenance; her presence seems as unpredictable as the California weather.

The police believe that April Showers has changed her name to Summer Drought and that she is moving across the country. At press time, officials were instructing residents of California and other states, including Arizona, Colorado, and even Texas, to take steps to mitigate Drought’s deadly impact.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…