You may hear shouts of “Jesus Christ!” coming from the gym at the Arillaga Center for Sports and Recreation in the next few weeks as you pass it on the way to buy a scone at Starbucks. But, this time, they won’t be cries of exertion. Instead, they’ll be the joyous exultations of piety that are bound to resonate from Stanford’s latest effort at cross-subject study, a team-up between the Christian Fellowship and the good folks at Arillaga called Pontius Pilates. Made up of a careful ratio of cardio, weight training, and reverence for the child of the holy sovereign Father and Creator of the Universe, the class is promised to help you banish both the temptation of Lucifer and at least two dress sizes.

“I’m so excited for this to start” said Rev. Scotty McLennan, Stanford’s Dean of Religious Life. “Finally, the meek shall inherit a strong core and toned glutes. You kids are the salt of the earth. But, I mean, since exercise is nothing without proper diet, you’re really the low-sodium alternative topping of the earth.”

The class is set to run for 40 days and 40 nights in the middle of the Autumn Quarter, with the good moving on into the great locker room upstairs and sinners being sent to an eternity in spin class inferno. Attendance will cost an additional $20, but students are encouraged to “give to Hennesy what is Hennesy’s”, and spots are filling up fast. So for all students looking to turn water into wine and wine into sweat, missing Pontius Pilates is simply blasphemous.

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