Earlier this week, zoologists and animal lovers around the globe were shocked to find that the pandas of the world had collectively decided to give up and go extinct. After decades of conservation efforts, these giant bears, often viewed as the “stoners” of the animal kingdom, decided it just wasn’t worth it anymore. Rather than spend any effort trying to mate, the pandas are just going to “chill” until they all slowly die out in the coming decade.
Speaking through an animal translator, Ya Ya, the male panda at the Memphis Zoo, made the species’ situation clear. “Man, these zookeepers been tryin’ to get me and Le Le to get it on for like 10 years now, and I ain’t havin’ none of that. I called up some of my boys back in China and we decided to take it easy for a while.” When asked about his future plans, Ya Ya said he’s planning on sleeping, eating bamboo, and “trying to cop some grade-A ganja.”
The Chinese government was not so calm. Speaking on behalf of his fairly represented population, president Jinping said, “Today is a tragedy. The panda is our national icon and valued above the lives of our citizens. I am truly saddened. Someone will die for this.” Additionally, panda conservationists have been forced to search for a new species to nurture back to stability. However, fear has grown among them that this animal will be “far less cute.”
We at The Flipside wish nothing but the best for these pandas, and want to know that they can hit us up “whenev.”