After several intense meetings of the Stanford Axe Committee, freshman and new member Harry Kesler is still incredibly confused about some of the core tenets of the well-funded student organization.

“Look, all I’m saying is that on one hand, we’re supposed to give them the axe the axe the axe. But on the other hand, we do not want them to have the axe. I just feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages here, and I do not know what to do anymore.”

This opinion has not helped Kesler make friends in Axe-Comm, whose sworn duty is to protect the Stanford Axe from anyone who would dare steal it, and also to give them the axe the axe the axe. “I don’t understand how anyone could be confused,” said senior Alice Pendleton, who considers participating in Axe-Comm to be her primary extracurricular activity. “We just have to give them the axe the axe the axe. And also keep anyone from taking it.”

As of press time, the members of Axe-Comm have been holed up in a tent. They do that too sometimes.

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