According to numerous sources, including meteorological experts from Alaska and the Midwest, it is hot outside.  Furthermore, students all over campus have been voicing their complaints on this recent turn of events.  One male freshman from Otero commented, “It’s like so hot.  I literally can’t even.”  Another English and Physics double-major interviewed while walking through the engineering quad quipped, “The skies have opened up with a storm of ethereal sunlight, which, in its descent from the heavens accelerated at a rate of 9.8 m/s2 to, of course, the speed of light, and ended up beating down with an unparalleled force on the backs of the hard-working students of Stanford.”

What’s more, the fountains, which many students are beginning to note, are not filled with water.  Much to the dismay of tourists looking to dip their babies in for a quick splash, the only splash they have found is that of blood on concrete. We once again encourage people to avoid diving in empty fountains. Even more alarming is the number of melted bike tires, dorm rooms without air conditioning, sunburnt international students from the north, heatstroke suffered from trying to bike up Santa Teresa, Packard’s glass windows are causing light to focus and is causing small fires, and, worst of all, RD&E is trying to close Ike’s.

The world is going to hell in a hand basket, but I still don’t believe in climate change.

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