In response to an increase in bicycle accidents in the past few weeks, Stanford Police have adopted a new, stricter ticketing policy concerning bike safety. It is based on measures taken by the Soviet Union during the 1960s to counteract political dissidence and control transportation networks.

Starting May 1st, students biking without helmets will invariably be ticketed, as will students without kneepads, elbow-pads, bite-guards, shin-guards and protective eyewear. In addition, all bikes will be required to sport seatbelts and turn signals, and training wheel use is highly encouraged. Stanford police chief Sandra Coggins told the Flipside that anybody sighted talking, whistling, or smiling while on two wheels will be fined as well.

“We really are just trying to get rid of any possible distractions,” she explained. “I was all for also making windshields mandatory as well to protect the bikers from those bugs that hit you in the face sometimes, but overall I’m pretty happy with the reforms to the system.”

To encourage compliance, Stanford policemen plan to employ widespread guerilla tactics. Stanford officer Rob Barker, who will be stationed in the shadows behind a cluster of bushes on Escondido starting next week, is optimistic that the new measures will help keep cyclists safer. “I’ll be wearing camouflage, so I doubt anyone will even see me until it’s too late and I’ve given them their ticket,” he told the Flipside as he pulled twigs from his hair.

The police department suggests crawling on all fours as a safe alternative to biking, and is teaming up with local nursery schools in the area to make this a reality.

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