Over the past decade, college admissions rates have continued to plummet nationwide. But Stanford University made history this early April when the Dean of Undergraduate Admission, Richard H. Shaw, announced an unprecedented acceptance rate of 0.0% for the Class of 2018. With the number of applications approximated at 83,710 students, the Stanford Office of Undergraduate Admissions was understandably overwhelmed by this year’s admissions cycle. Their solution? Admit no one.

Says Jane, an admissions assistant at Stanford, “All of the applicants were more qualified than ever. It was simply too challenging to select ones who stood out among the crowd. It’s just a total crap shoot!”

The quality of the applicant pool was only one factor in the complex decision to lower the acceptance rate to 0.0% at Stanford. With the rigorous statistics published by U.S. News & World Report gaining further importance in the college decision-making process, Stanford will no doubt see its rankings continue to improve. Furthermore, as the numbers of bike accidents during orientation and alcohol-related transports have continued to climb in recent years, the Office of Public Safety at the university has cautioned against acceptance of more students until conditions become more stable.

“Exposing innocent 18 year olds to the hazards posed by enrollment at Stanford University is a risk we are no longer willing to take,” said Public Safety officer Ben Grosch, who asked to remain anonymous.

Anticipating extra room on campus in upcoming years, Stanford University plans to add several buildings that have been on the back burner for several years. With increased enthusiasm for the Computer Sciences, a new dormitory has been proposed for students who only communicate using code. A state-of-the-art Slavic Languages building, an expanded equestrian facility, a massive “lazy river-style” moat, and many other ideas have been proposed. Funding for these projects will come, in part, from the donations made by prospective students in the form of application fees.

The Wilbur and Stern complexes will not go unoccupied. Richard H. Shaw is certain that grad students will vie for spots in the desirable, centrally-located dormitories.

“Honestly,” he said, “this is one of best admission decisions we’ve made yet.”

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