This week, scandal is the word on campus, as shocking reports reveal the abuses of a covert anti-bike theft task squad formed just weeks ago. Classified documents have come to light that paint a clear and disturbing picture of the rise and fall of Captain Shaine Jackson. Called to Hennessy’s office in the dead of night, Captain Jackson received his orders from the very top. “Only one thing is keeping this campus from being a perfect haven of intellect and creativity,” he seethed, blowing whiskey-scented breath in Jackson’s face. “I don’t care what it takes… stop the bike theft!” Jackson felt honored to offer his service, and took his cart-blanche to the streets, aided by a cadre of hand-picked rent-a-cops, selected for their loyalty and a shared aversion to asking too many questions.

But as Jackson’s efforts continued, he strayed farther and farther outside of the law. “I just wanted to help the school,” he commented in a press release earlier today. “I didn’t mean for things to… to get the way they did.”

Jackson and his vigilante crew stand charged with multiple counts of torture. Alexis McGafferty, who wished to remain nameless, shared her story. “I biked through a stop sign… I guess, I guess I wasn’t thinking. He stopped me and I thought, well, ok, this sucks but whatever. Before I knew it a bunch of people jumped out of nowhere and I felt the familiar rubber of a bike pump around my neck. When I came to, there were 3 NiteRider Lumina 500’s shining in my face…and this guy was just yelling at me, ‘It’s not registered to you….’ It… It was my friend’s. I was borrowing my friend’s bike…”

The jury is still out on the verdict of Jackson, despite all the evidence against him. After all, the number of bike thefts on campus did go down.

As of press time, Katherine Bigelow has purchased the movie rights.

 

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