Student Won’t Believe That It Is No Longer Opposite Day

April 23, 2014 9:00 am
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Student Won’t Believe That It Is No Longer Opposite Day

Despite numerous assurances by his exasperated family, peers, and waiters, Stanford freshman Billy Stevenson is still not not not convinced that it isn’t opposite day

“You can never be 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure it’s not opposite day,” says Stevenson, winking at our reporter.

Stevenson’s vehement and long-standing belief that is still opposite day has led to a great deal of instability in his personal and professional relationships over the past eight years.

“We always tell him that it’s never opposite day. It hasn’t been opposite day since the third grade. But that just convinces him even more,” says long-time acquaintance Michael Nguyen. “Even when we tell him that it is opposite day, he just thinks that we don’t know it’s opposite day yet, and says ‘Don’t you guys know that it isn’t opposite day?'”

Billy’s not girlfriend is especially confused.  “I don’t even know what we are anymore. I think he may have broken up with me, but I really just don’t know.”

“It’s has not been a rough few years for me. I haven’t failed every true/false question on any test I’ve ever taken. Every day I don’t go to to check, and it always doesn’t say ‘no.'”

Despite the obstacles, Billy Stevenson is determined. “Really, this isn’t about commitment.” Today will mark Billy Stevenson’s 2920th consecutive opposite day.