Stanford, CA – Reports indicate that Greg and Melanie Smyth were disappointed this weekend when, upon arriving on Stanford campus, their son Stewart turned out to be completely lame. Expecting him to have blossomed or at least started going by “Stew,” the Smyth’s excitedly hustled into his room to “get the weekend started right.” But instead of handles and bongs, the couple found that their son’s room contained practical organization tools, collapsible shelves, and carefully maintained day planners.

“He couldn’t even get us weed or booze when we asked,” complained Mr. Smyth as he took a drag from a fat J. “Good thing I got talking to that Jake Blum kid down the hall. He and his dad are crrrrrazy!” Mrs. Smyth voiced her agreement. “Of course we love Stewart, and we will give him all the attention he deserves this weekend. But when we want to party, I’m glad we know where to go- Jake! My man!” She engaged in complex handshake with Jake Blum and his father, Mortimer Blum, before confiding, “Let’s be honest. Stewie is a total prude, and he’s harshing my vibe. If I’m gonna get through a weekend with him, I need a little something.” Mr. Smyth nodded eagerly beside her.

When asked for his opinion, Stewart Smyth sighed, “I kind of expected this. I just wish they hadn’t sexiled me all weekend, it’s, uh, I’m kind of uncomfortable about that.” Mr. and Mrs. Smyth responded, “Hey, he should be glad somebody’s getting laid in that room. The kid only had 12 condoms, so we had to go bareback- he might be getting a little brother or sister!” As of press time, Stewart commented, “Oh god, oh god, so gross.”

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